As a trauma therapist, many of my clients come to their sessions burdened with shame, most often the shame of not seeing their abusive partner for who they were right at the start.

They tell me that they saw red flags but chose to ignore them, or thought they could change them, or were even flattered by the love-bombing that inevitably takes place at the beginning. Emotionally abusive people, those with narcissistic traits, wear a mask. This mask is designed to confuse you, it is designed to present a version of themselves that you will fall in love with.

But it is just that, a mask. And a mask will always, always slip eventually.

In counselling, having your thoughts and feelings really listened to, empathised with, and validated is the first step in accepting that you were not weak or stupid when falling for a narcissistic abuser. They are excellent actors; they present a fantastic persona to the world and use every tactic they can to get you to fall in love with them because it serves their need to be adored. Once the mask slips and you see them for what they really are, the abuser will still have their mask on for everyone else, to make it look like you are crazy in your reactions to them.

All of this is designed to use you for their own gain before they move on to their next target. And it is deliberate. There have been studies (Pincus and Lukowitsky, 2010; Carlson, 2013; Hart et al, 2018) that show that narcissistic abusers are aware of their actions and how these actions impact others. In relationships, they tend to follow the same pattern of idealisation, devaluation, discarding and hoovering.

Coming to counselling sessions with me can help you understand trauma-bonding, why you ignored or didn’t see the red flags until it was too late, and help you work through those feelings of shame that can arise when you see your abuser for what they are.

“Shame dies when stories are told in safe spaces” ~ Ann Voskamp.

Use the contact form to get in touch and book your free discovery call today, we can have an informal chat about what you would like to achieve through counselling and ask any questions you might have. I work online with clients from across the UK and also in-person from a counselling space in Leeds, LS27. You CAN heal from trauma and abuse.

~ Lisa