Many narcissistic abusers want to be the centre of attention, even the covert ones.

They may not seem to be trying to draw attention to themselves, but they do so by ruining special occasions for others using tactics such as:

• Start an argument on the morning of the special occasion so they can give you the silent treatment for the rest of the day.
• Not acknowledging the special occasion with a card or present or getting a gift and expecting the recipient to be extremely grateful that they even bothered.
• Concocting a drama or inventing an illness to scupper plans made for a special occasion for you, your children, or someone you are close to.
• Creating an atmosphere so you walk on eggshells for the whole day, perhaps defaulting to the fawn trauma response to placate them.
• Creating conflict between people present at the special occasion, they often thrive on the drama they have created such as involving someone else in the conflict to back them up or praising one child whilst finding fault with another.
• Playing the victim in social situations if you are waiting for them to have an outburst you will likely be quiet, they will happily tell anyone who listens that you are always miserable on special occasions when you are, in fact, just waiting for them to show their true colours when you’re alone.
• Self-medication, especially around special occasions, perhaps drinking excessively and appearing to be the life and soul of the party, leaving you anxious about how that is going to unfold for you once everyone else has gone.
• Manipulating the timetable, if the special occasion starts at a certain time, they will often arrive late, retelling the drama of how they had to pull out all the stops to grace everyone with their presence.

Narcissistic abusers see special occasions as another way to manipulate and control you. They can show the world their mask and know that you are not enjoying yourself because you know what the fallout will be. Being at events feigning cheer and warmth serves to manipulate others into believing they are a fantastic person which leaves you wondering if the problem is actually you. This manipulation serves to make you look unreasonable or crazy when you try to speak out against them. See my other blog post about flying monkeys.

Special occasions are a great way for narcissistic abusers to manipulate everyone around them and further control you. This raises your stress and anxiety levels, erodes your self-worth and makes you doubt your reality. Those in abusive relationships find special occasions, including Christmas highly stressful, leaving them exhausted.

If this resonates with you, please know that you are not alone. You are not crazy; you are being abused.

There are things you can do if you feel that you are being coercively controlled or in an emotionally abusive relationship with someone:

• Women can contact Women’s Aid: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/
• Women can call the National Domestic Abuse helpline run by Refuge on 0808 2000 247.
• Men can call the Men’s Advice Line on 0808 8010 327 or MenKind on 0182 3334.
• Speak to your GP or other health professional who can signpost you to local resources.
• You can go to the police. The police forces in the UK have specially trained officers who can offer advice on how to report coercive control.

If you are in an abusive relationship or have left one and want to work on finding your self-worth again, get in touch to book a free discovery call so we can chat about how we can work together.

~ Lisa