Have you heard the term flying monkeys when referring to narcissist behaviour?

Flying monkeys were characters in The Wizard of Oz who did the bidding of the wicked Witch of the West. And narcissists surround themselves with people who do their bidding, hence the term flying monkeys.

These are people who will do the bidding of the narcissistic abuser such as reporting back as spies, siding with them in disagreements and spreading rumours. They tend to be groomed by the narcissist and will have been fed their version of what has gone on in your relationship with them.

How can you tell if someone is a flying monkey?

You may not have much contact with them, or they may be a friend or family member who has been gaslighted and manipulated into believing the narcissist’s version of events.

They may side with your abuser, they may minimise or invalidate your feelings, spread gossip about you, pass on information about you to the narcissist or simply agree with everything the narcissist says about you.

These people are often groomed and gaslighted into believing a skewed or false narrative of events, they can be people-pleasers, and they might be afraid of the narcissist or agree with them for a quiet life. There might be something in it for them such as ‘friendship’ or even be the narcissist’s next target for a relationship.

So, how do you deal with someone you suspect may be a flying monkey?

• Be firm with your boundaries, do not volunteer information that may be fed back to your abuser or used against you. Even better, limit contact with the flying monkeys.
• Avoid confronting them, it can make your reaction look unreasonable and validate the things the narcissist is saying about you. Remember that they are probably being gaslighted too and don’t know the real version of events.
• Reach out to someone you trust for support or speak to your GP or therapist about how to keep yourself safe.
• Accept that there will be people out there who will always believe the narcissist’s version of you. You will likely never get any closure in the form of people seeing the truth and you cannot control the narrative that has been made about you.

If any of this resonates with you, get in touch to book a free discovery call with me, Lisa, to see how we can work together to heal from trauma and abuse. I work online with clients across the UK as well as in-person from a counselling space in Morley, Leeds, LS27.

~ Lisa