Gaslighting is a common technique used by abusers to make you doubt your feelings and perceptions.
It is a deliberate manipulation that can leave you feeling confused, hurt, scared and can affect not only your emotions but your memory, sleep, anxiety levels and even make you doubt your sanity. Over time, this gaslighting erodes your self-worth because the more you doubt yourself, the more you lose who you were and the easier your abuser can control you.
Here are some common phrases abusers use when gaslighting:
“You’re being crazy.”
Making you doubt your sanity and your memories, undermining what you know to be true and often it is easier (and safer) to agree with your abuser than it is to stand your ground.
“You’re overreacting.”
Manipulating a situation to provoke a reaction from you, then telling you that you are overreacting or minimising what they have done to make you react.
“It was just banter.”
Abusers are often cruel with the things they say and do, and when you tell them that they hurt you they brush it off as a joke or banter.
“You made me do it.”
You are never responsible for someone else’s actions but abusers will often shift the blame onto you.
“I didn’t say that.”
Outright denial of things you know they said. The more you stand your ground, the more they will deny what they said, even if there are witnesses or proof.
“If you love me you would…”
Manipulating you do what they want in the name of ‘love’, because this gives you hope that if you ‘allow’ them to do what they want then you will please them and they might love you back.
“All my friends think you’re crazy.”
False narratives given to friends then used against you, these ‘friends’ or narratives may not even exist, this is done to make it appear that you are being unreasonable and the abuser is right, so you should conform to their way of thinking.
Gaslighting is difficult to overcome for several reasons.
- You can doubt yourself to the point that you think you might have gone crazy.
- Once you see your abuser for what they are, it scares them, so they redouble their efforts to gaslight and manipulate you.
- Gaslighting can leave you with a serious lack of trust in your own thoughts and feelings that can take a long time to get back.
- Trusting others feels like a monumental task.
Gaslighting is a technique used by narcissistic abusers that can leave you feeling devastated, it is always deliberate and is designed to keep you confused and compliant. Often, the first step to realising gaslighting is taking place is to talk to someone because once you say these things out loud and they are validated by another person you can start to see the effect it is having and change it. You CAN heal from trauma and abuse, you can get your self-worth back and you can feel supported whilst you rebuild trust in yourself.
If you think you are being gaslighted and would like some support, then get in touch. We can book a free discovery call to chat about what you would like out of counselling with a registered trauma therapist who knows how it feels to be in an abusive relationship.
Let’s find your brighter beginning together.
~ Lisa